Today I remembered what it was like to hear your voice.

When I remembered in the past, I recalled it with pain, loss, heartache. I thought of you with questions, concerns, fears, regrets. I pushed your memory from my mind as far as possible, becoming something I am not, becoming an empty shell, blank stares, hidden tears.

Today I saw your face

I did not run and hide as before. I did not change my mind at the last minute, knowing it would cause me to die inside. I did not reach out and touch you, closing my eyes, feeling your features, wishing.

Today I heard you smile

I did not think you were not deserving, I did not wish it was a result of my actions, I did not secretly pray you noticed, you remember. I did not visualize that you still want me, need me.

Today I felt your touch

I did not pull away. I welcomed it with an open heart, grasping your invisible hand and pulling it to me, my body begging you to hold me, forever. To forgive me, want me.

Today

I died, and I am grateful dear friend