Jimmy had his Doc appointment yesterday and he has to go for another scan in Knoxville next week to see just how far the bone cancer has spread and if chemo is even an option at this point. It is a shame when all you can base an opinion on is from past experience. Mam-maw did not have chemo, she did not live as long, but the quality of her life was not so bad those last two months. Mother opted for the radiation and chemo, her quality of life was horrible, there were no opportunities to form any fond memories, just day after day of relentless pain, puking, diarrhea and death….horrible death. Each person is different. Jimmy is getting to the point of crying pain. That is when it is bad. But he can still sit on the porch and even laugh at my stupid stories, he can eat and function and think and share and love…and receive love. The chemo may change all of that. His entire life may turn to shit and then he will just die anyway. OR, it could help. Who really knows? And he has to make this decision. And….I have to support him in it, even if it scares the hell out of me.

We had a quiet evening at home. I needed that after work yesterday. It seems like there is something in the air that is making everyone rip each other’s throats out lately. I have no clue what it is but it is just everywhere and it is sad. I think I broke up 3 fights here at work yesterday, one between staff that should have NEVER escalated to the point it reached. I myself even wanted to choke one of the other social workers for screwing up nutrition assessments for 3 of my clients (that will ultimately cause me at LEAST 3 days work to fix!) Maybe it is the heat, the atmosphere, the world itself. Things are getting so bad for people with the economy, jobs closing down, people having to change jobs or trying to change to a healthier job, the stress of bills and frustrations of trying to make it through this crazy life to begin with…it just is all building up and starting to explode around the world right now. I don’t recall a time when people’s tempers were so short and people were so quick to tell another person “goodbye”. It is all sad and although I don’t know where it is all heading, it is certainly not a good feeling and can just destroy people emotionally. Already this morning I have discovered one place that has employed 3 of my clients can no longer afford to pay them and they are all losing their job. One of those clients cannot comprehend the entire process so he just exploded and beat the hell out of his roommate for no reason. Another came in upset because his family cannot make their summer trip as they have for 40 years, they cannot afford it this year, so his only way of coping was beating the hell out of his face until he busted his nose and lip and bruised his entire face before I could stop him. Life is changing for everyone and people handle it differently I guess.     And how do I cope? Beat myself? Beat others? Say “goodbye”? I have no clue yet. I want to pull away more. I can tell that. I want to take myself deep into my own little hermit world. I almost feel like the secluded home we built is not secluded enough and I have thoughts of a tiny 10×12 log cabin deep in the backwoods of the property with just my books, a wood heater, a chair. Dare I do it? I could…but I have to make myself NOT. Because I know if I did, I would just pull away more and go deeper until the path closes in behind me and I cannot find my way back out. So no, I will stay. I will work and live and do what life needs me to do right now. I will post these ramblings here that will eventually drive you all insane, frantically grab any knowledge I have in my head and post it on the Hedgewitch site, try to take care of Occult Corpus and let it continue to thrive, make my quilts and paint and prepare for death. Not mine yet, but that of others that I always seem to be forced to face and prepare them for. All I ask is that I not have to hold that garbage can this time. Maybe Jimmy will get hospice soon and I won’t have to be the one to suction and clean up the blood. One can hope I guess. Damn love…..   Sometimes love can produce just pure torture. Where would we be without it though? If not the love of another human, the love of a pet, be it dog, cat or rat. Without it we just become that lonely hermit…but then again….there is love in that as well. Love of a life that will some day be gone…regardless.    Aside from all of that, a coyote woke us up before daylight, howling like mad at the edge of the property. Thank goodness the chickens were safe. Life is life at home….and always will be. Always things to do, too many things, and always things to make you so tired mentally that you do not feel like doing the things that need to be done. But regrets? Not yet. I cannot speak for the future, who can? But as of today, I have no regrets in this decision. I just hope my strength holds and Mason’s voice calling to me from the backwoods holds off a bit longer. Sometimes when we give in and go all the way…. We become too stubborn to come back. Another sad part of human nature I suppose.