I found the perfect cabin to go in the backwoods behind the house for my little hedgewitch cabin. It will be a wee bit different with maybe a small fireplace, a wood floor possibly, wooden windows and just a lean to style roof. Very small, 10×12 or 12×12. But I LOVE THIS ONE so it will be very similar to this…..

Lying here in the bed, I hear the wild goose on the clock, letting me know what time it is. Did Chris really tell me he was going to his Mother’s, or was it just another one of those dreams? I say his name out loud and my voice seems somewhat unnatural today. There was not answer, it was reality this time.    Today I have battled one of “Those” headaches. Hoping it is not a cluster migraine, trying to ignore it, thinking if I pretend it is not there it will go away. Nausea sets in and I know this is going to be a rough day. Still there were things needing to be done so I divided my time between work and covering my head to avoid all light and sound.    Rain came early today. The gutter was complete and it gave us a chance to discover our mistakes and eventually fix them. The angle was a bit off and a few issues were noticed. The rain came hard and yet the three of us, Chris, Lakota and myself, managed to collect about 150 gallons of water in a short time. 150 gallons! That is enough to last a few weeks, a little to spare for a flea/tick dip for Cletus.  There was a bit of fun in there, working in the pouring rain, moving barrels, funnels and metal buckets. Shortly after, the headache gave me a quick reminder it was still there and not ready to play nice. I laid down for a few minutes, started thinking about how it will hurt whether working or still, so I got back up to tackle laundry and dishes. I took Lakota home and thought maybe if I rest my head a bit, just a short nap, it may go away. The rain had stopped and the Sun was out, much to the dismay of my head as the bright light pierced my eyes like daggers. But still, I slept.    IN my sleep I was preparing for a trip. It must have been a nature/outdoor trip as I have gathered tents, lanterns, backpack, etc. Someone was helping me, but I could not tell who it was. I was anxious for my journey and reached to retrience the backpack from a hook. Somehow the hook jabbed into my upper arm and split my arm open to the wrist. Blood poured and I had only one thought: When I die, who will find the persimmon tree? I know this thought came to mind because I know there is a persimmon tree on this property somewhere and I just have not had the time to look for and locate it yet. The person helping me, who remained faceless and nameless, said, “You will if you want to and where it stands, your cabin stands also.” So I reached up and took a thin twig from a tree and began sewing my arm back together. When done, I walked into a tiny log cabin and put a small piece of wood in a tiny pot belly stove. I sat down in a wooden rocking chair and looked at the wound. The tiny twig was persimmon. 

 I woke up shortly and said Chris’ name in the silence. He was gone and the house was so very quiet. Cletus was asleep on the porch. I hugged my pillow and watched a storm cloud come in from the west. “Please bring more rain” I said silently, “hide my eyes from the bright Sun just a bit longer”.  At the feeders, I watched a Cardinal couple share seed. Once in awhile a chickadee, titmouse and a sparrow would show up. Eventually the hummingbird showed up and seemed delighted that I filled his feeder. This morning he flitted back and forth in front of the bedroom window to let me know it was dry. The doe crossed the driveway in the lower field, her baby hidden safely in the woods, while she gets her nourishment to continue to feed. I noticed movement to my right and watched as a grey fox made its way along the blackberry patch, slowly, quietly and eventually heading through the trees to the branch. Cutie licked my hand and the sky drew darker. I did not have to shade my eyes with my hand anymore. The clouds became thick and dark with a heavy smell of rain in the air. 

 Far down the driveway I saw the Buick. Chris was on his way home. “I brought you a yellow popsicle”, he said as he kissed my head. All thing beautiful, in happiness, sadness, success, failure, heartache, pain and total peace…cannot compare to Chris’ smile, as it tops the list of pure beauty.  As fast as he arrived he was gone, in the truck. Off to haul wood from the top of the hill so we can finish the front porch. As he returned, so did the rain. 

 Sometimes, when we think we fix things, they are not so fixed. They look fixed and your intentions are good but a wee bit of turmoil and you discover the “mending” was not as successful as you had hoped for.  As the rain poured harder, huge drops falling from the sky, we discovered two things: 1) the gutter still leaked and 2) one downspout is NOT enough. As I saw the beautiful drops of rain hitting the ground, I saw less water for baths, dishes, laundry and animals. Apparently Chris did as well. I arranged containers to catch as much as I could as my headache begged me to go back to bed. I did and the soft bed felt wonderful. Not long afterwards, Chris opened the door. “Honey, I need you”. In attempts to fix the downspout, the entire thing came loose from the house.  I stripped my clothes off (my body is much easier to dry than soaking wet clothes) and I headed out barefoot. There we were, in pouring rain, Chris on a ladder, me beneath…getting soaked from the leaky gutter. We rigged this and that, hunted more barrels, made several trips in, thinking we were done, only to dry off and end up heading back out again. At one point, with water soaking every inch of skin, dripping everywhere, several wet towels, we walked in the back door and laughed. As we were hugging each other, laughing, we both agreed – yeah – that was kinda fun.

  I ran to the outhouse in the rain, nude, smiling, my feet splashing water as I ran through the puddles. The sound of the door shutting gave me another reminder that my headache was still hanging on. BUT… The outhouse did not leak. Today we collected well over 200 gallons of water! I am glad Chris is home.  I tried to slip out the door and run back to the hours with as little noise as possible. Appeasing the pain, looking forward to a dry bed and a pen and paper to write my thoughts.  As I went by the back of the house, I noticed one leak in the gutter, rain was pouring from it into a barrel. Temptation was too strong.

I grabbed the shampoo, razor, soap and Chris moved the barrel. It was the best shower I think I have ever had. The rain water felt perfect on my body.    There is so much in life to be grateful for!

Jimmy had his Doc appointment yesterday and he has to go for another scan in Knoxville next week to see just how far the bone cancer has spread and if chemo is even an option at this point. It is a shame when all you can base an opinion on is from past experience. Mam-maw did not have chemo, she did not live as long, but the quality of her life was not so bad those last two months. Mother opted for the radiation and chemo, her quality of life was horrible, there were no opportunities to form any fond memories, just day after day of relentless pain, puking, diarrhea and death….horrible death. Each person is different. Jimmy is getting to the point of crying pain. That is when it is bad. But he can still sit on the porch and even laugh at my stupid stories, he can eat and function and think and share and love…and receive love. The chemo may change all of that. His entire life may turn to shit and then he will just die anyway. OR, it could help. Who really knows? And he has to make this decision. And….I have to support him in it, even if it scares the hell out of me.

We had a quiet evening at home. I needed that after work yesterday. It seems like there is something in the air that is making everyone rip each other’s throats out lately. I have no clue what it is but it is just everywhere and it is sad. I think I broke up 3 fights here at work yesterday, one between staff that should have NEVER escalated to the point it reached. I myself even wanted to choke one of the other social workers for screwing up nutrition assessments for 3 of my clients (that will ultimately cause me at LEAST 3 days work to fix!) Maybe it is the heat, the atmosphere, the world itself. Things are getting so bad for people with the economy, jobs closing down, people having to change jobs or trying to change to a healthier job, the stress of bills and frustrations of trying to make it through this crazy life to begin with…it just is all building up and starting to explode around the world right now. I don’t recall a time when people’s tempers were so short and people were so quick to tell another person “goodbye”. It is all sad and although I don’t know where it is all heading, it is certainly not a good feeling and can just destroy people emotionally. Already this morning I have discovered one place that has employed 3 of my clients can no longer afford to pay them and they are all losing their job. One of those clients cannot comprehend the entire process so he just exploded and beat the hell out of his roommate for no reason. Another came in upset because his family cannot make their summer trip as they have for 40 years, they cannot afford it this year, so his only way of coping was beating the hell out of his face until he busted his nose and lip and bruised his entire face before I could stop him. Life is changing for everyone and people handle it differently I guess.     And how do I cope? Beat myself? Beat others? Say “goodbye”? I have no clue yet. I want to pull away more. I can tell that. I want to take myself deep into my own little hermit world. I almost feel like the secluded home we built is not secluded enough and I have thoughts of a tiny 10×12 log cabin deep in the backwoods of the property with just my books, a wood heater, a chair. Dare I do it? I could…but I have to make myself NOT. Because I know if I did, I would just pull away more and go deeper until the path closes in behind me and I cannot find my way back out. So no, I will stay. I will work and live and do what life needs me to do right now. I will post these ramblings here that will eventually drive you all insane, frantically grab any knowledge I have in my head and post it on the Hedgewitch site, try to take care of Occult Corpus and let it continue to thrive, make my quilts and paint and prepare for death. Not mine yet, but that of others that I always seem to be forced to face and prepare them for. All I ask is that I not have to hold that garbage can this time. Maybe Jimmy will get hospice soon and I won’t have to be the one to suction and clean up the blood. One can hope I guess. Damn love…..   Sometimes love can produce just pure torture. Where would we be without it though? If not the love of another human, the love of a pet, be it dog, cat or rat. Without it we just become that lonely hermit…but then again….there is love in that as well. Love of a life that will some day be gone…regardless.    Aside from all of that, a coyote woke us up before daylight, howling like mad at the edge of the property. Thank goodness the chickens were safe. Life is life at home….and always will be. Always things to do, too many things, and always things to make you so tired mentally that you do not feel like doing the things that need to be done. But regrets? Not yet. I cannot speak for the future, who can? But as of today, I have no regrets in this decision. I just hope my strength holds and Mason’s voice calling to me from the backwoods holds off a bit longer. Sometimes when we give in and go all the way…. We become too stubborn to come back. Another sad part of human nature I suppose.

I have been very busy lately with some things that need to be taken care of. Good things so at least there is that. Still waiting on a few things before I make the announcement. A few of you know already and I appreciate your confidentiality. I am very excited about it all and I just don’t remember the last time I was this happy and excited about something.

I made the best pies last night. I pretty much made up the recipe and will post it when I get a chance. It was made with Butternut Squash and was similar to pumpkin pie but tastes a little different. I have a LOT of Butternut Squash and am finding different ways to use it all. Thank goodness I have neighbors so I can give each of them some and won’t end up weighing 500 pounds from my baking escapades. LOL

Things are very good at home. Everyone is healthy and doing fantastic. I myself feel better than I have in years and have thus far been blessed with good health and happiness so far this year. Good fortune continues to fall upon me and mine and I am grateful….so very grateful….for that.

I have been dreaming a lot about my Mother and both Mam-maws lately. I had dreams of visiting one Mam-maw in her little old home. I will never forget when I was a teenager and Mam-maw got an indoor toilet. LOL It was not even a proper septic system but hey….it worked for her. My dream of her was very short. I was simply walking into her home and the door had a string through a hole and you pulled that to lift the lock to open it. At night, you simply pulled the string inside the house form the hole and no one could get in. I always loved that lock on her door. LOL All I dreamed was I pulled the string and entered her house and it was just as old and perfect as it was when I was 14.

The dream about my other Mam-maw was sitting on the porch with her and we were peeling apples. I was in a porch swing and she was in a rocking chair and she was telling me about things she felt I needed to know of life when she was little and she was very happy and smiling and by the Gods I loved her so much. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about my love for this woman.

With my Mother, she was excited about something and was telling me all kinds of ideas she had. Every sentence started with “Don’t forget…” I was writing things down and she stopped and said, “did you find those milk jars?” I have no clue what milk jars she was talking about but you know… it does not matter….it was just nice spending time with her again.

  So all has been great and continues to be so. I smile more and more every day and life is good!

Some things I have discovered in the past 24 hours that made me smile:

This crawdad in a very special place!

These 10 Rhode Island Red Pullets because they are going to be the best hens EVER!

This old house because some day I want to have one just like it!

And this video of Perrin jumping about 4 feet into a ditch by a creek!
BAD quality because it was from a cell phone seen HERE!

Life is good!

Well I will be heading to bed soon and I have to say I have had a fantastic birthday. The dinner with the family yesterday was great and I got super cool gifts. Today at work my supervisor/friend made me a cake, got me a bag of chick feed and a gift card for a dozen Rhode Island Red chicks from Tractor Supply! She and another co-worker bought my lunch, a tasty grilled shrimp and spinach salad from Applebee’s. I got lots of cards and an office full of clients singing to me. I then went to the gym and two guys down there sang me happy b-day as well.

After leaving the gym I came home to share birthday cake with Perrin. Me and Chris went to get the milk at the Amish and took a drive through the country. We picked up Lakota and went to my favorite restaurant for dinner and had a very good time there. I got hugs and kisses from Devin and he sang Happy Birthday to me again. Got home in time for Cletus to wish me a Happy Birthday and spend some time on the computer before bed. I did not get a chance to upload the pics from the party yesterday, but Chris took this one tonight with his cell. I think it could have been much better if I had not just worked out at the gym, LOL, but oh well…cannot really offer many excuses as it tis me in a bad cell pic.

Regardless, I have had a great birthday, feel fantastic and am so looking forward to this year! Thanks for all the e-cards and snail mail cards, calls, emails, notes, posts and all those wonderful things that have made my birthday so perfect!

March 14/15, 2008

For some odd reason Chris informed me at 10:30pm that he was hungry. To make that part of the story short, we ended up at a diner in town with his Mom and Norm. That was a strange and different experience for us, since we are usually asleep at that time of night.

When we got back to Vickey and Norms, I heard an owl when I got out of the van. After they went inside and I was near my car I decided to try to call it and see if it would answer back. So I did…and right away it called back, along with a few more down near the creek. Hearing an owl answer your call is just a very spiritually connecting experience.

When we got home and Cletus hyperly followed his Daddy into the house, I decided to try it here in the backyard. So I headed out under the Oaks and made my call. There was nothing at first. I called again and still nothing. On the third call I saw the dark shadow in the sky, silently passing my the sweetgum tree and landing near the pond. Withing seconds of landing….I heard the call back. One more call and I got another one back.

I had took up enough of the Owls time for the night so I left it alone and came back inside….after whispering a thank you to the breeze.

I had a wonderful evening yesterday. Chris and I had dinner with Amanda and Perrin. Perrin made a new friend. The little girl behind us was just a bit older than him and he gave her one of his trucks to play with while she was waiting on her food. I had the BEST spinach and grilled shrimp salad! I had planned to work on the site, but decided I preferred to watch Northern Exposure with Chris, so we spent several hours laughing at that and chilling together. I did get a few site things done and Chris also made a few changes this morning for me. I am looking forward to adding tons more stuff this weekend.

I had a wonderful dream last night of a bus full of models breaking down in my driveway. Like 12 men and 12 women. After helping them get the bus back in order, one of the cute girly guys fell in love with me and decided to stay and have sex with me in the middle of the driveway while everyone else left. So I made sure before I left for work this morning to tell Chris, “remember, is a bus full of models comes down the driveway today, you can have the other 23 but save the cute girly guy for me until I get home”. LOL Maybe it is a message from a shaman somewhere and I need to surround myself with girly guy models and do a vision quest and see advice from elders to tell me what this all means! ROFL!

Life is so good and I am so happy. Chris makes me laugh and love and it is just real nice. I have some of the best Net friends I could ever ask for. Of course, my dear Canadian that has become one of my best friends. And also a hilarious lady from California that is so down to Earth and cool. And the guy from San Francisco that I respect and admire so very much. The Australian I would love to get a hug from. The one from UK that I could so be best friends with if she lived closer. And more and more and more. I have admiration for them all! And since I hand pick who I choose to call friend in frl, I have some pretty darn good ones there as well. Not to mention that beloved half hound dawg! Dear goodness it is like we have the three of us and then all the cats are our kids or something. Cletus is just perfect. *must buy some peanut butter ice cream for him this weekend

Speaking of weekend, I am looking forward to it. I plant to do the foraging and hope to find some cool stuff. At some point there will be crab legs so that is always good! LOL I may dress Cletus up in a Spring outfit and have his picture made. Oh and…. A middle of the day nap with Chris’ warm body next to me! (or maybe a girly guy model! ROFL!)

Saturday, 70% chance of rain. This was the day I planned to head out for a bit of foraging.  Hmmmm? Foraging in the rain or writing articles in the dry? Who knows until I wake up Saturday morning and decide. Sunday is supposed to be nice. But, I think I am doing dinner maybe Sunday with the family. BUT….there is always Sunday morning. And I always have the option of calling into work on a pretty day, sick of course, and then have the need to go forage for some herbs to make myself better? Rofl….hey….if others can take off to go to the Doc, I should be able to take off to go get a supply of Spring meds.  Norm is not doing so well and he has to have surgery again. Some day I will get the answer of why things like that happen just when someone reaches the point of life when they plan to rest a bit. Then again, the answer may be that there is not answer.  Chris is wonderful. He is such a good man and I am lucky and grateful. This weekend we start getting eggs in the incubator, kill the last 5 roosters for the freezer, start building a chick coop and all that other wonderful Spring stuff.  Where did Winter go? I missed it!

Birthdays: I guess I can understand why we celebrate them, it is the day that the world was graced with the rebirth of our soul. We want gifts, not that we need gifts, but people always want them for their birthday. Some people actually look forward to their special day all year. Although it may surprise some of you, I am not a party person. Birthday parties, like all other parties, scare me. Why? I have no clue. I remember only 2 birthday parties prior to age 20. One was when I was about 9 or 10 and I wanted a green cake. Why green? Because someone I am sure convinced me that since my birthday was on St. Pats Day that I must like green. So I did get a green cake and all I can remember was how much food coloring had to go into that cake to make it green and I could taste it and it sucked. I remember when I turned 16. I was married and had been for about 4 months. My husband actually cooked me a steak dinner and it was nice. Somewhere I have a picture of that dinner and the little square cake he bought to go with it. There is a horrible picture of me sitting in front of this cake as well. My gift that year was a pair of shoes. I had no shoes and really needed a pair. I thought I wanted this pair of mega in style shoes that had curvy clog bottoms (hey it was 1978 so go figure). Those were horrible shoes, not practical at all and someone stole them from me a month later, leaving me once again…barefoot. I do not remember any more birthdays until I was like 38 or something. They were just insignificant to me.

Each year you start getting those dreaded questions. What do you want to do for your birthday? Where do you want to go? And the worst, what do you want? Does anyone else freak out when you start hearing these questions? I hate it because you ALWAYS end up disappointing someone or making someone mad with the answers! What do I want to do? Well, maybe have a dinner with my family because they are the best birthday present I have ever received in this life. YAY…dinner…something simple. Then someone has to start the calls, to other family members, “she wants dinner so what do we do now?” Then there is a day to decide upon and time and then the next question….”Where?” Well, the family is growing and how do I choose one place for everyone so that I KNOW everyone will like something on the menu? Then I think…you know, it IS my birthday, why not just choose somewhere I honestly do like? So it is Chinese. Not just Chinese, it is the buffet they have CRAB LEGS on. They have pizza, taters, fruits, desserts, ice cream, chicken wings, fish, and a variety of meat you can choose from and choose your veggies and they will cook it fresh for you! So surely my favorite place is OK with everyone else. At this point most questions are answered and then you start getting the “what do you want?”

Well let us take a look at this. The things I want are: A camping trip, a hiking trip, a foraging trip, a ride through the mountains, a day at Santeetlah, a trip to Bearpen, a trip to Butler Cemetery, a picnic on North River, A hike to Whigg Meadows, a day on Cold Springs Gap Trail, a trip up Citico, an adventure in Jeffrey’s Hell, knitting at Hooper Bald, quilting at Gee Creek, collecting rocks at Spring Creek, digging for broken pottery on Starr Mountain, a nap in Mason’s cave.

“No, what do you REALLY want?” usually comes next. OK, *smiling inside at the lost hopes of someone doing any of the above mentioned with me*…. Lemme think? OK what I really want is… a picture of all of my grandkids together. If not for my birthday, then Mother’s Day is cool. And….uh…can’t really think of anything else, because I pretty much have everything I “REALLY” want. Some more spoons from Memories? LOL

I have no clue what I “really” want. All I “really” want is to go out and have a nice meal with my family. That is it REALLY. Lots of pics taken of the family maybe. Don’t get me wrong, I am not ungrateful. I appreciate any gift I am given. But just go get whatever, whenever or not and I am happy because in all honesty…I do have everything I really want. The only thing I want that I don’t get enough of sometimes is my family together in one place. Not that there are a million of us, there are only 11 of us to be honest, well 12 if you count my ex’s daughter and 13 if you count him too, 14 if he wants to bring his girlfriend.

So anyway, I will be 46 in a few days. I am getting old. It is not depressing this year because I feel I have reached an age to be proud of. Yeah My body has a lot extra padding at this time in my life, some things are hanging in places that I am sure they were not meant to hang in. I have those nice little painful purple wiggly veins coming up in my legs, I spot a few more grey hairs on my thinning scalp, weight is not as easy to lose as it once was, wrinkles are starting to appear where all the smiles have been throughout this life. But, I feel good, I feel healthy, I feel like I am doing OK. So age is hitting me a bit at a time, like a paintbrush touching a canvas, adding more detail, more distinguishing marks with each stroke. So what? I won’t be wasting my time and money dying my hair, getting injections into my face, getting things tucked or sucked out, scraping, peeling and prodding age away. I have no time for that crap. I earned this age dammit and I will wear it proudly! I have had a hell of a life and yeah I may not have the body and looks I had when I was 20, but by golly when I was 20 I had men lining up for me. So I had it when I “needed” it and had time to play with it, now I am just plain, OLD simple ME and if people do not like the fat, saggy, graying, wrinkling body that holds ME in this life….they can pretty much just kiss my ass. I am 46 and a damn good person with the maturity to recognize the wisdom I have developed through the years and the wisdom to know I have much more to learn!

What do I want? I want things as they are, my friends, my love, my family, my animals, my life, my job, my car, my home, my OCD, my spirituality, my sense of humor, my laughter, my tears, my journey in this life that has made me who I am! And dinner with my family! And I will post a picture of that when it happens!