I hate you

Do you understand that? Sit there and give me that blank stare like you cannot comprehend life. Sit there and look through me, seeing your dreams on the other side. Fuck me, Fuck mine, Fuck us…it was all nothing and

I hate you

Can you feel it? Can you hear it? Can you taste it? Can you smell it?

Digest it you bastard. I cannot handle this anymore, I cannot handle you anymore. My frustration has taken control and there is no rationality anymore. Because

I hate you

I have tried, lied, stood up for you, made the excuses that your blank stare cannot. Spoken when you could not. Dealt with it all, every second of every single day while you sit there looking through me, staring through me at some reality on the other side that only you are aware of

SPEAK TO ME….

I HATE YOU…..

You cannot hear my silence, you cannot hear my love, you cannot hear my SCREAMS!!!!!!!! SO

I HATE YOU

You stare, hours and hours, you stare, you read, you think….WHAT????? What do you think? Tell me, even if you hate me…TELL ME! Speak to me, scream to me, beat me with your words, bruise me with anything other than your blank stare

I HATE YOU

I cannot eat another meal alone. I cannot sleep another night alone. I cannot cope another day ALONE….A thousand words I have said, a thousand times I have touched your face, trying to bring you back and I CANNOT FIND YOU ANYMORE…..I CANNOT FEEL YOU ANYMORE

I hate you

I gave up a lifetime for you, happiness for you, I CHOSE YOU, I could have been loved, I had no clue he could have loved me and by the time I knew you were here and…

I hate you

Can you not remember, anything, feel…..anything. Is it all gone, nothing there of us inside you, what is there? TELL ME……let me see…..DAMMIT…..SPEAK TO ME. CUT ME, LET ME, BLEED ME….ANYTHING. Days have slipped into weeks and now weeks into months….will the months go into years with no touch, no words, no communication, no companionship….NO YOU??????

I HATE YOU

and I hate me

Here, in this world, hidden

by this pond, at this moment

we can make love

 

But we must change ourselves into the trees

into the vegetation that surrounds

our naked bodies

 

For

we cannot be seen by others

 

For

someone

somewhere

will say

 

Our Love Is Wrong

 

They don’t understand!

SOMEWHERE….

There still exists wildness

I have seen it, felt it, lived it and became one with it.

Wildness:

A virgin forest at night, the moonlight to guide your way. Leave that flashlight in the pack. Hear the night sounds, call an owl, listen for the answer, let the stream speak to you and share the secrets of the years….of lifetimes, open your soul to the soul of a tree, touch it, feel it, hear it speak to you, it shall tell you of years gone by, hundreds of years of knowledge hidden among the branches of time. Feel fear, it is good for you, for without feeling, knowing it, facing it one shall never overcome it. Hear the sounds of the night creatures. Feel the presence of the coyote, bobcat, smell the lingering scent of a bear making its way to bed down for the night. Remove anything material, stand naked in the moonlight, enter the stream and feel the cool water rush over your body, washing troubles, worries, pain downstream away from you. Find a moss covered rock, lie down on it and stare at the stars, let the treetops sing you to sleep with their movement. Hear the whip-poor-will call to you, feel the heartbeat of the rock with your hands, remove your clothes and walk nude, allowing the wind to engulf you, barefoot…..feel the Mother beneath your feet, bend down and touch her, thank her for the wildness

Wildness:

A forgotten graveyard in the middle of the Forest. Overgrown with sassafras trees and mountain laurel. No one around for 30 miles. Just you and the Spirits that reside there. Smudge yourself before entering, walk slowly, touch the stones, sit by them and ask them who they are, why are they there. Lay down, look at the sky or close your eyes and allow the Spirits to dance around you. Call the nighthawk to you, welcome all things related, let them share their joy with you, listen if they desire to share their pain, comfort them. Lay down beside a grave, learn everything you can about the occupant, become him (thank you John). Allow your soul to be engulfed by the mist as it rises from our Mother, soothing the souls that may be lost, opening the realm so the Spirits may share the wildness with you is they wish

Wildness:

Leave as much as you can at home, away from the wild, Take only what is needed. Enter a Wilderness Area, stay for weeks, months, alone. Forget what day it is, forget what week it is, forget the month….forget time. Talk to the trees, the animals, the rocks. Bath in the stream, eat from Nature, make a debris hut in a different location each night and see how Nature can comfort you and keep you safe. Eat nuts, mushrooms, sorrel, berries. Taste sourwood, spicebush, bee balm, persimmons. Sleep on the highest mountain top with no tent, no shelter, let the trees protect you, explore caves, climb trees….see what the Eagle, Hawks and Owls see. Crawl on your belly, face as close to the forest floor as you can get it, smell nature, see what the snakes, shrews and chipmunks see. Stand atop a waterfall….see what the Sun and Moon see. Swim in the streams, look under rocks, catch crawdads and become friends with them, see what the fish see.

Become Wildness

In a seperate realm I have seen
Their bones I have seen
The wings of the air have feasted
And the wolves are fed
On a lonely hill I have seen
In this realm a stranger
And my heart is cut into strings

Everything changed today

But I love you all so much

To the Institute….he is on his way

But I love you all so much

Crowley is gonna bombard you with questions

But I love you all so much

His mind is closed to your suggestions

But I love you all so much

R.M. stole his brain

But I love you all so much

Now he is out walking in the rain

But I love you all so much

The chickens read it before I could

But I love you all so much

And they all knew he would

But I love you all so much

The sad goodbye was written

But I love you all so much

Then I was here a sittin

But I love you all so much

And a studpuppy made me laugh

But I love you all so much

So now you’re stuck with my ass

And I love you all so much

LOL….thanks you know who

He touched me one day and my heart fell

into his hands

as we shared in our passion

feeling, breathing, loving

and I had never been so open and free

He touched me one day as the sun

slowly lowered in the sky

as we shared dreams

talking, laughing, planning

and I had never been so content

He touched me one day as our hearts

became as one

with our bodies breathing

one soul into another

and I had never felt so much peace

He touched me one day with compassion

comforting the dark secrets

that lay hiding inside my soul

removing the nightmares

and I had never felt so much release

He touched me one day, as the tears fell

His cold fist slammed into me

bones crushing with impact

scarring the healing wounds

and I had never felt so much devestation

I cannot look at you anymore

Just a glance makes time go in reverse,

makes me go in reverse

I feel numb at times

thinking about where life has taken us

thinking about where life could have taken us

I get sick sometimes

when I dwell on it too long and I cry

when I don’t know you anymore, you are dead to me

Death

A welcome gift to the weary at heart

a chosen gift for the wise

to grow, learn….not guess anymore what happens

to really know, feel, believe it and have the desires you seek

I want to look at you

I want to see you as you were years ago

“free”

To what purpose now?

I sometimes cannot bear the pain of restraint

not pulling that picture out to see your smile

making myself not look, not see your eyes, your hands

I loved your hands

I came to you

being advised not to by those who know more than I

I came anyway

thinking of the joy it would bring me to glance upon perfection

knowing the peace it would bring, the smile to my heart

as you always did

and it was not there

you were

sleeping

peaceful

I love you

it hurt so bad

to see you there

peace was cast to hell

joy was brutally slaughtered before my eyes

my smile ripped from me like the skin being ripped from my body

exposing my heart

leaving it to wither and dry

To die

I turned away

I thought nothing could cut the golden strand

tis not true my love

tears from a broken heart can

and I wanted to so bad

to remain

staying out there forever

wandering

with my friend, caretaker

the one who did not disappear

time no longer spins along the endless circle

the drum no longer beats with my own heart

it leads me down another path

before me awaits a journey unknown

before me awaits birth

before me awaits the end

I am going back

I desire not to

I desire you

what shall never be

you are no longer there

Cheating

I feel guilt

sneaking up on you

checking in on you

should I be punished

only I know how

I am going back

Time is going back

I cannot see you through the tears anymore

I cannot feel you in the fog

I cannot sense you are there, anywhere

It kills

me

us

you

I am going back

to the end

But

I love you

Did you ever really know?

It was nothing really
The plastic attachment fell from the box
She grabbed the duct tape to fix it
a simple task

The sound
as the tape was removed from the roll
etched in her memory like initials carved into a mighty oak

She smelled it
the fear when she realized they were locking her in
the panic when she discovered it was not a drunken game
the liquor, the sweat, the hot sauce poured into her wounds
the smell of flesh as it beat against her body

She felt it
the horror when she could not get her hands out of his
the hurt that her friend would allow him to do this
the pain as it was wrapped tightly around her wrists
the tears as her long hair was sliced away as they laughed

She tasted it
the tears that made it to her lips before they were covered
the plastic glue taste of the tape as it locked her mouth closed
the blood as it was ripped away when they desired to be pleased
the disgrace she was forced to swallow along with her dignity

The most simple things in her life
stolen from her by the memory
of duct tape

The sleek body dares not make its presence known as the sunlight moves slowly across the powder blue sky.

It remains there in hiding, the large overhang of ageless stone hangs low to the ground, providing enough room underneath for a comfortable bed to rest, contemplate, hide.

Time, and the infinite friend “wind” have ensured that years of soft bedding is provided by seasons of leaves finding their way to the shelter.

It crawled underneath, the softness of the leaves to create comfort and warmth, the hard grey stone hanging low above, protecting from dangers of elements, from eyes that crave to see the elusive creature.

There is stayed throughout the day, rarely moving, sleeping, resting, regaining energy for the upcoming night, waiting with anticipation until the Earth Mother decides it is time once again to move among the stillness night brings.

The Whippoorwill calls, the frogs and cicadas begin to sing, the Moon begins to rise on the eastern side if the mountain and it stirs, knowing the time is here to partake of the experience, live the vision, walk the unbeaten path, search for unknowing souls

And if it finds them? What then? Devour them…..yes if need be for some need to be devoured. Lead them……yes, for there are some who need wisdom, guidance, direction. Love them….yes, for there are some who need love, who have never felt love, who don’t know how to love. Judge them….yes, although it may not seem fair, this is part of what it is. It must judge in order to lead. Would one lead a fish to the desert? No, it must be judged as a fish in order to direct and lead it to the water it requires to live.

So it enters the night, confident, beautiful, wise, anxious, rested, patient…..and it begins the journey

If it ever becomes confused, it will look within

If it ever becomes scared, it will find strength in dreams

If it ever becomes tired it will find energy in magick

If it ever desires to quit, it must remember the dream

And continue on the unbeaten path, for the path of others shall not provide contentment.

I watch as you dangle before my eyes

Dangerously close to the water

Enchanted, frozen, I cannot move

You struggle

I cannot help you

Closer to the water you fall

Trying to grasp anything

Do you know your fate?

Are you afraid?

Are you crying?

I cannot help you

You are small compared to this

I cannot bear to watch you

I want to turn away

Pretend that you are not falling to certain death

The cold water glistens, like the tear in my eye

I cannot help you

Just let go

Give up

Drop

Jump

Die

I cannot help you

Do you feel the essence of the water beneath you?

Is the coldness of death what you fear?

Do not struggle anymore

Do not fight it

Do not think that your life will be saved

I cannot help you

For hours now I have watched

What began as an adventure ends in forever

I feel your pain

I have come to know you

It is almost time

I reach out my hand and

I cannot help you

There is no sudden death for any

I hoped it would be

Praying you would not suffer

Wondering what you felt when you let go

Gave in

Gave up

You continue to struggle

Drowning

Slowly

I could lift you out and save you

I cannot help you

Carried away by the stream

Are you screaming?

I watch as your body floats slowly away

Grasping for debris, grasping to live

I remain still

You are gone now

I cannot help you