What is this word “love” that cannot be defined with words?

The Father said to the child, “I love you”. Was this supposed to make her feel different? If love was this pain, she despised the word, and the feeling. After all, that is all there is to it right? The feeling. “I love you”, he said, as he stood nude before her, making her feel that this was wrong, she was dirty and love was the realm of hell and she hated it and hated him. Fuck love! And she did….

“I love you” he said in all seriousness. There are those words again, she remembered them well, the words she had come to despise. Of course you do she thought, I remember this feeling, I want to love you back….so I can beat you with my fists, scream in your face that you are a fucking worthless whore, make fun of your pain…your invisible scars. I want so bad to love you too, love you so much I take that gun, the one that you put in my mouth and pulled the trigger, laughing when I heard the click and thought I was dead…not knowing it was empty…..Can I love you too and take the gun and kill you?

Perhaps she had gone mad finally, years later when she lay at the edge of the graveyard. He made her laugh. He tried not to let her be alone at times like this. He got angry when he saw the fresh cuts on her arms. Maybe she loved herself. He was not angry at her, but angry….and he hurt them. He made them sick, made them have accidents, made them lose everything in their life, made them hurt. Maybe he loved them and that is how he could hurt them so easily. He loved her though, and she did not understand until years later that he really did. 20 years later she laughed that her first love was with someone who had been dead for over 100 years.

She was confused. He entered her life unexpectedly. She read the words “I did love someone, but before I could tell her she found another”. She got that feeling again, the feeling of love. Her heart felt as if it had exploded into a million pieces. She had the feelings for months, she kept silent because she was confused, afraid to speak the words because she was unworthy, undeserving. She knew how she felt but it could not be love, love was suppose to hurt, not make you feel good. Love was pain, the one she was with was “love”. What she felt for this man had to be something else. She cried when she realized what had just been lost. Why did he not tell her? If he had would she had known? Regardless, love is always pain.

“I love you”, reading the words again, she hesitated. The first thought in her head was fear screaming “NO DON’T SAY THAT”. She waited for the pain that was due to surface. Suddenly her body was tense and she wanted to make him take it back. Then she laughed. And laughed again. Sometimes it needs to be said in a funny context. Sometimes you are supposed to laugh when you say it, and laugh when you read it. Love is just a word to describe a feeling, like sad, angry, depressed, love, fear. Just feelings. They come and go with the wind. And what of lust? Most often it lasts longer than love. Maybe the “feeling” of love is desire and need. Maybe love truly is supposed to cause pain. The fact is, “love” has been made into this vast sphere of meaning that no one really understands anymore, in explaining it we have transformed it into some ridiculous goal that one can ever obtain. Why can it not be simple, like….I love ice cream because it tastes good. Why does human love have to be so complex and out of reach?

Why can it not just be…..

I love you, because you make me laugh

I love you, because you are the type of person I need in a friend

I love you, because I am lonely right now and you fill that void

I love you, because your personality fills and empty place inside of me

I love you, because I find you sexy and want to fuck you

I love you, because you have a cute smile that makes me smile

I love you, because with you….I can be me

I love you, because you think I talk funny

I love you, because I miss you when I cannot talk to you

I live you, because you know I am a pervert and you don’t care J

I love you, because you love cats

I love you, because you laugh at my bluntness

I love you, because with a few words you make me laugh out loud

I love you, because your voice warms my heart

I love you, because John likes you and is not throwing things

I love you, because you take time to hold me

I love you, because you tell me when you are lying to me J

I love you, because I can

I love you, because you let me

I love you, because you won’t kill certain crawly things either

I love you, because you are fun

I love you because you satisfy me

I love you, because you have not hurt me (yet)

I love you, because you pull me out of the dark without my even realizing it

Do I admire you? Yes, you have strengths that compliment my weaknesses and I have strengths that compliment yours. I think you are extremely intelligent. I think you have a good soul and I admire that. Yes, I admire you.

Do I trust you? Not fully. I still have my moments of “what the hell am I doing?” I still have times when I wonder if you really are YOU. I trusted you enough to let that name slip and know you would not say anything, I trusted you enough to share that story with you, I trusted you enough to give you my number, I trusted you enough to call you, I trusted you enough to let you touch me. Full trust takes time and only time will tell.

Do I respect you? I don’t know. I respect your beliefs and opinions. I respect your lifestyle and thoughts. I worry that sometimes I am taking more of your time than you desire and therefore am unintentionally disrespecting your space. But I think I know that you will tell me if I am.

Will it go anywhere? Lead to anything? Who knows and why care at this point. My yesterdays were as miserable as my todays. Week after week, into months and years. Today I can say, one yesterday….I was satisfied! And one “yesterday”….. I laughed out loud so hard I almost peed my pants (well if I had been wearing pants), and ……today I smiled when I woke up. Today is all that matters anyway, why taint it with worries of what tomorrow will bring.

I can’t say I love you but…

I like you

And….I don’t LIKE people in general….